Time waits for no one

Proud

2012-02-13T00:56:00.002+02:00

Last weekend I spent at an AIESEC conference.

It has been a while since I was a facilitator, so it was so nice to jump into that experience again. Hectic preparations, thinking about sessions and impact I could do on my delegates. In the end it always pays off. This time it did as well: inspired and motivated delegates and me, feeling complete and happy about the outcome.

Another beautiful thing that happened in the last few days - I felt extremely proud. I think that being proud of someone who you really care for is one of the most important feeling. Also I felt so honoured that this person feels very proud of me as well. After few failures in a relationships in my past I realised it is very important to support your other half in everything he does and also be actively involved into it. You should always try to do something meaningful together and value the expertise of each other.

I definitely want to do it again and already know the next 'project' :)

Will be fine

2012-02-09T01:16:00.002+02:00

It was just another day. No heating at home, cold office, lots of work and lots of things to do after work.

Surprisingly enough, the best part of my day was cleaning my room. I have to confess - didn't do it for few weeks... I missed cleaning. For me cleaning of my physical space means cleaning of my mind and spirit.
I missed those Sundays when I just could do all household stuff (too bad, in this country I can't do my shopping on Sundays as shops are closed). The order in the room calmed all the thoughts in my head.

Also today I really felt that someone is invading my personal space. Which is stupid as I agreed on it myself. I know that I should just calm down, have a different perspective on things and embrace the situation. Reading Dalai Lama book helped me a bit, but then I lost my temper a bit and now while writing this, I regret of what I said. It was not bad, but not good either.

I don't like myself today, and especially tonight. As they say in my country, morning is always wiser than evening. I'm sure I'll be fine by tomorrow.

Cruelty

2012-01-25T13:47:00.003+02:00

It hurts so much when I'm thinking that back in my home country they are killing homeless animals in order to arrange that Euro 2012... It is going to be a bloody football championship. How would anyone possibly want to attend it?.. Me - never!

I don't know if Europe knows about what is happening now in Ukraine. And if they know, then the blood of those animals is on its hands too...

It is not their fault they are alive! It is the fault of those stupid people who threw them away on the street at some point and they became homeless...It is fault of authorities who can't take care of the animals (and people) of their country and use human methods.

I have no idea what can I do here and now, besides crying and being sad about it...

Insecure

2012-01-24T11:49:00.002+02:00

Sometimes when I'm thinking about the past, not mine past, it gives me unpleasant goose bumps. I feel cold and frightened.

I don't want to be just another one, I want be unique and special. I don't want to be part of the same as was already done and I don't want to do things that I've did before. Because for me this person is the only one unique and special. Therefore I hope too...

I do believe that I am not. But why do I still have this feeling? Is it just my insecurity that doesn't let me be completely calm or it is my intuition that warns me?

Today and now I want to be insecure.

P.S. Or maybe I am just jealous?..

Happiness

2012-01-16T12:56:00.004+02:00

I don't remember if I ever declared in my past so much how happy I am. Just in two days.

It is so true and easy to feel now and also easy to admit and share.

Weather

2012-01-13T17:36:00.001+02:00

I was sitting in the office and one thing occurred to me: I could here the birds singing.

It was the same sound as in spring when the warmth is starting to take over and the nature finally wakes up.

For the moment I completely forgot that today is January... Till almost didn't have snow.. (well, it was snowing, but together with rain, for one day). The bushes are green, there are lots of grass around, the flowers are blossoming...

It is a bit odd if not crazy. After 2 years of living in Scandinavia I was so use to snowy and cold winters so winter in Brussels seems like a weird blessing.

But honestly, I can't wait till spring and real sunshine, and longer days. And tulips in Keukenhoff :)

Loosing and gaining

2012-01-13T17:30:00.001+02:00

I don't like loosing things because I am quite an organized person and it is completely against my nature...

But sometimes it happens. So here I am - without a transportation pass (good, I had no money on it :). But now I need to find time to renew it and obviously pay quite an amount to do so.

Something had happened with me in Belgium: I feel less structured and more lost... Lots of unpleasant moments happened with me in the last months concerning my health and financial situation. BUT! Nevertheless I am thinking to settle down here. Because apparently I gained much more here than lost despite everything.

Thinking about it makes me nervous: how will I do it and will I really do it?

Missing

2012-01-01T17:24:00.000+02:00

The 1st day of the year was a mix of different feelings.

The New Year's party was great, I enjoyed so much being with my Ukrainian friends and celebrating till 6 a.m.

But then my friends left and I don't know when I'll see them next time. I got home and thought about that, plus I was worried about my health and suddenly I broke down.

And I felt an urgency to talk to my mum. Somehow she is the only one who knows how to calm me down in those bizarre situations. After talking to her I realised how much I miss her and my dad, and my brother and cats. Last time I saw my parents 4 months ago. I didn't see my brother for more than a year... I really miss them...

I don't know if I'll visit them in the next 8 months of my stay in Belgium, but I will hope for the best.

I miss them, on the first day of a new year. And for sure it's not a sign, but rather statement: they will be the closest people for me on Earth. Always.

Right year

2011-12-31T22:10:00.000+02:00

The last day of this year, the last hours actually... The best time to conclude about the passing year and prepare for the next one.

Each month of the 2011 meant something important for me, bringing the new life lessons and memories.

January
- I visited Amsterdam twice and starting to think about leaving Finland and move to another country

February
- Decision made was made - I will focus to go to Belgium
- Amsterdam trip again
- job search began...

March
- month full of waiting and expecting
- I started practice of Buddhist meditation

April
- Trip to Nijmehen, NL: break down and break through
Time when I understood, that friends will be in my life forever...
- job search...

May
- I stopped eating meat and till now it feels great
- team days with awesome Big Bang in Brussels
- got the job in Brussels.

June
- last unforgettable month in Finland: exploring Helsinki as a tourist, trip to Turku for midsummer night celebration.

July & August
- I spent 2 great months at home: re-connection with my parents, trips around Ukraine and visiting friends
- I met my biggest fear - I got the driving license

September
- moved to Brussels, the city of random beauty and lots of friends. Right time, right place...
- meeting at Heros, that brought a very special person in my life...
- TEDx in Antwerp
- a bit of loss.. but it's only objects so doesn't matter that much.
- Ana visits me in Brussels

October
- month of doubts, growing feelings and a beautiful start
- trip to Gaasbeek - my first time at Belgian countryside

November
- Carolina visiting me in Brussels: crazy reunion of Norwegian course :)
- my special Birthday '25 is new 18'
- Big Bang reunion in Oslo (Rolf, we were missing you there!)
- AIESEC conference and De Panne, Belgium

December
- trip to Dinant, Belgium
- Brugge and ice sculptures
- Belgian Christmas: one of the best Christmases I had so far
- Ukrainian friends in Brussels (and a great NY party yet to come :)

The last year was a very right one. I don't feel the pressure of the possible mistakes I made. Did I do any mistakes? I don't think so. All of the steps I made (well, some of them you can call mistakes, but I prefer not to) lead me to the place where I am right here and right now. And it doesn't matter anymore what was done and what's not: I feel good.

There are three words that describe my year the best:

Focus: if you focus on what is important and what you want to achieve, you can get anything what you want
Believe: the most beautiful things happen suddenly, the most beautiful people appear in your life when you least expect. Stop expecting, but continue believing in destiny and magic.
Love: love life and it will love you back. Love yourself and people around. It always pays you back.

Looking forward to 2012 :)

Mistake?

2011-12-29T02:44:00.002+02:00

Sometimes the thing you might be secretly awaiting happens to you in the most odd and unexpected way so you start feeling confused, lost and even frightened a bit.

Why can't it all be beautiful as in those silly romantic movies or in fairly tales?

Probably it's time to just embrace it: Yes it happened. No, you can't change it back. No, it's not your fault, you did nothing wrong. Yes, it can be fixed and re-done. No, I don't know when and how...

Together

2011-12-27T01:57:00.002+02:00

The best thing ever is doing things together: discussing, creating, enjoying.

I always dreamt that this is how the perfect relationship should be: you share all the crazy ideas which are accepted and supported. And also anything you do or say is very much appreciated.

Now I have it and it feels so right and really good.

Falling

2011-12-21T00:05:00.001+02:00

Today is the day when everything falls apart...

I had a perfect plan of few important things I had to do today, but non of them had happen eventually. Due to different causes and conditions, all the plans went upside down. The funny thing that from the very beginning both of the things kind of excluded each other: if I had to do one thing, that automatically another was gone.

But anyway I tried my best to do both but it didn't work out as it should be. So sometimes we DO need to make a choice.

However I do believe that in the end it was for the best. Or will be anyway.

Work related

2011-12-15T18:35:00.001+02:00

It is such a great feeling that people really appreciate the small things you do. The small things that you thought wouldn't be even noticed.... Especially those people, who doesn't know you, who haven't seen you ever.

That proves one more time: if I do something with passion and love, it produces the best results and gives the most positive feedback.

I just feel really happy about today :)

Natural

2011-12-14T23:57:00.001+02:00

Love, couple, relationship...

All those words make me freak out when other people around say about me. I don't understand why is it so?

In my mind and heart it makes perfect sense and I am not afraid to say it to myself, but when others start talking about it I just don't feel comfortable.

I guess it is because I am not sure if my partner feels comfortable hearing those words. But I am not going to ask. In the last few months I figured out that some things shouldn't be asked or discussed at all. The best way is to figure it out step by step. It will come up naturally.

Emotional account

2011-12-12T01:00:00.001+02:00

I heard or read about the concept of emotional account some time ago. Don't really remember from where and whom, but what it means is that everyone from our beloved ones have an 'emotional' account within us.

If people don't 'invest' into their accounts, if we don't receive positive emotions from them, then the relationship starts to change: love vanishes, friendship fails... Things fall apart.

Anyway, why do I talk about this? Because actually today I had one of the most amazing days with a person who really spoils me emotionally. I receive so much kindness and positive energy from him, that sometimes I think that his account within my heart is going to explode :) But I don't mind.

Sometimes I wonder: how and why do I deserve what I got? But then I stop myself: I worked for it so hard and in the end stopped waiting. Probably it is the main secret of the Universe - once you stop expecting and waiting, the most beautiful things happen.

I hope I'm investing enough into my emotional account in return. Not only into this specific, but for the rest accounts as well.

Gossips

2011-12-08T01:22:00.001+02:00

I don't like when people gossip about me. Especially people who even don't know me at all, and maybe never saw me in their life...

Anyway, it makes me realise that I should stop gossiping about others.

Time to improve.

A month to remember

2011-12-01T00:41:00.001+02:00

Today is the last day of November, last day of Autumn, last day of the first quarter in Belgium..

It's been a very exciting month, full of friends and activities. A special month... I didn't have a single weekend spent alone, I always was doing something. I don't remember what I was doing each and every day (probably working :), but I remember every weekend.

So... firstly, my dearest crazy Brazilian friend Carolina was visiting me. We spent an amazing weekend just the three of us, our perfect trio from Norwegian course - Antonio, Carol and me.

Then there was this weekend when I went to the conference of AIESEC in Belgium. It has been a bit weird to be just a party delegate, doing nothing, talk to almost no one, just enjoying myself and going a bit crazy. Also I had a chance to see the Belgian seaside and I loved it a lot! I really want to go there.

Middle of the month - November 15th - my birthday. 25 years old. Again celebrating in Belgium (3d year in a row actually) Getting older, hopefully wiser but still childish in many aspects. That day I received a very special surprise which I don't want to compare with anything (and probably I can't compare, because nothing like this happened to me before. It was such a kind, genuine, sweet and beautiful surprise... A surprise to remember from a very special person...

Then following weekend - my birthday party. It was carefully planned, but the plan went in a different direction which I liked a lot in the end. I had a lot of fun with my real friends and I understood that there are too many random people out there. And I didn't like it at all... So definitely need to have less randomness in my life, because it doesn't make my life any better or at least funnier.

And the last weekend: a trip to Oslo. It was a short, probably too intense trip, but I manage to see all the people I wanted to see. My Big Bang team, my ex interns (who will stay interns for me forever), dearest Oslo-city, cold Norwegian sun and darkness, turbulence on the plane... I will remember it as well. What is more important, that every time I go back to Oslo, it feels so familiar, almost like home.

I loved my November. But at the same time it's been a bit stressful: I was lacking proper sleep; I wanted to be alone, I wanted my private space back. I needed my lazy Sunday back...

I need to fix my life a bit, calm it down, get back to my usual routines to feel more balanced and complete. So probably December is the month to make it happen.

Something special

2011-11-29T18:31:00.001+02:00

These two stories are very special

Simba + Nala

Pooh + Piglet

Two arrows

2011-11-25T11:08:00.001+02:00

Yesterday I was having a very relaxing Happy Thursday. First, stretching class in the gym, then - meditation with my meditation partner :)

It was a bit harder with meditation part. Somehow I had the thoughts in my head that scary me a bit: isn't it too soon to think them?.. Anyway, I enjoyed it as always, especially the story told by our teacher:

Buddha was talking to his students about suffering and self-flagellation. He asked his student: How would it be if you're hit by one arrow? Student reply: Teacher, I guess it will be really painful! Buddha asked again, But what if you're hit by the second arrow? That will be twice as painful! I probably won't survive!

This is what happens with us, said Buddha. When we meet difficult situations in our life, we already suffer because we can't easily solve them. So we get the first arrow. But then we hit ourselves by the second arrow - we engage in self-flagellation.

This fact is very obvious. But sometimes I myself forget about it and continue bugging myself about something I didn't do or could have done better... I'm hitting myself again and again, when I just need to let go. A very wise story indeed...

Lovely things

2011-11-22T16:26:00.001+02:00

Today was beautiful, really warm, sunny and clear. I couldn't believe that it's almost end of November..

I was waiting for a red traffic light to turn green. A man standing next to me and then suddenly spoke to me in French, something like: The day is very beautiful! The sky is so blue. It is a rare chance.

My knowledge of French allowed me to understand him, but I couldn't properly respond besides saying 'oui' and smiling at him.

Then the light turned green and the stranger crossed the street. He left, but the smile remained on my face. Things like this doesn't happen to me often, but when they do I'm reassured again - people are born to be kind and loving.

Happy mornings

2011-11-10T12:19:00.000+02:00

My favourite time of the day is my morning walks to the office, especially when it's so sunny and lovely as today.

So every morning I have a 15 minutes walk through one of of the most beautiful street of my neighbourhood. So first I have to pass a little square with a red crocodile statue and the wild parrots on the trees. I have no idea what they all are doing there, but it is so random and so beautiful!

Then I'm walking through the street with nice old style building. I really love the architecture of Brussels, it is filled with romance and art. Some of the buildings are embassies, so I can feel the diversity of the city even more. Besides, one of the embassies is of African country called Mali, and it reminds me about my dear parents...

Sometimes I see a big fat cat sitting on the window of one of the flats and it makes me smile; I wish I could hug it!

But the most favourite part is probably receiving and sending text messages that really make my day... :)

There is only one thing I don't like about my route to the office - there is one very dangerous road crossing. It does have a traffic light, but seems that drivers here don't give a damn about pedestrians. I have to be always alert about the cars. But again, I'd better not question those things about Brussels. It's a random but a charming place to live in :)

When I'm sick

2011-10-31T00:11:00.002+02:00

I don't like when I'm sick, because then I'm the most vulnerable. And annoying. And maudlin. And picky.

One of the worst is that I also have this "No one loves me" attitude, although my rational part knows that it is complete bullshit. Proof? I just had a lovely Saturday with my great friends filled with love, understanding and tolerance. And today I had a lovely evening with my friend watching a stupid funny movie... What else I need as a proof that love and friendship is real?

Another thing I hate: I get extremely jealous and possessive. Deeply inside I'm craving for attention so badly (although I might not talk about it). Literally as a small kid. And I want my mom to be next to me. To make me a tea with my favourite raspberry jam, put warm socks on my feet and wrap me in a warm blanket. And wrap me with her unlimited love... But she is miles away, and I feel like crying because I feel lonely.

First time since I arrived here I feel lonely...

But again, I'm sick. And it's not me but my bacillus are talking. Hopefully it will pass when I wake up tomorrow.

Miscellaneous

2011-10-25T11:52:00.002+03:00

So today I officially got sick for the first time in Belgium and most probably not the last. No wonder, the weather is very favourable for bacteria :)

And today I decided to move on with my long hair project. Well, I had few attempts before, not successful though. Let's see how it works out this time.

Tenderness

2011-10-20T15:06:00.000+03:00

Today is Happy Thursday. I'm in a very happy mood, sitting in the office all alone and listening to this song. It's called "Tenderness". I bet it's one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard.

And yes... I have the most stupid smile on my face. I have so much work to do, but instead I'm daydreaming and being silly :)

Missing you...

2011-10-16T23:52:00.001+03:00

Today I got one of the most beautiful gifts ever from my very dear friend. The best about it was that it was unexpected and somehow so in time. And the book itself... just perfect, the sweetest thing I ever saw - "Love from Piglet".

It contains the quotes from "Winnie-the-Pooh" story. Of course, quotes about love and friendship.

Like this one:

BANG!!!???***!!!
Piglet thought that he was now alone in the moon or somewhere, and would never see ... Pooh... again.

Today I got this feeling, finally. And it felt so right... :)

Inside out

2011-10-14T16:52:00.000+03:00

It's been a while since I was practising yoga and meditation. But yesterday I finally came back to both of them.

Those are the two components that truly put me in balance. The are so perfect for relaxation and energizing at the same time.

Yoga class was quite intense; I also liked the teacher a lot. Although I will have the only one perfect yoga teacher for ever I guess.

The meditation was probably even more exciting. It was my first time trying a different meditation technique - so called "inside" meditation - rather than Buddhist mantra chanting. This yoga meditation was silent. The main purpose was to focus on our breathing and try to follow it. It is quite difficult I must admit! After 3-4 rounds of breathing my mind was floating away to different thoughts and memories. It was so strange... I was thinking about Norway, about the place where I lived in Oslo, the landscapes, about my team. Then I was thrown back to my reality and the thoughts I currently have about my present life.

Every time my mind switched off from breathing to active thinking I felt like I stopped breathing at all... I hold my breath. I usually do it when involved into something really interesting that consumes all my attention or when I'm scared, or waiting for something. I do it often without paying any attention. But during the meditation my sensations were more alert as usual, so I could actually notice that change from focusing on breathing to focusing on thinking.

My personal understanding of this exercise is that it helps to connect your mind with your body on a conscience level. Our brain controls our body all the time - we breath, our blood circulates. We continue living every second without our conscience noticing it. However, it is important to be aware of our body in order to become a whole human being. Or rather natural being. Besides the exercise makes you more aware of your thoughts: you notice where your mind takes you. Somehow it shows you something hidden deeply inside you and probably something that truly important.

You don't spell love

2011-10-13T17:27:00.000+03:00

It's easy to spell, but not that easy to feel. But I do agree: when you're in love, you just feel. Right?

Cold as ice

2011-10-11T00:58:00.001+03:00

Today I was suddenly reminded about on of the question that interests me a lot - balance between love and freedom. Once I posted about that topic and today got a comment from a stranger on that old post.

Somehow this was exactly I was thinking about these days. Well, not really thinking actively. But it made me realize that it is probably the reason I don't feel completely comfortable; I am happy but not content. Yet.

Where is the crazy passion? Where is longing and waiting? There is not much. Maybe it will come, or maybe not. Maybe I am on my way to found that perfect balance between being alone (being myself, doing my things) and still being with someone.

Or maybe I am being overprotecting of my own feelings and the feelings of another person.

Sometimes I feel "cold as ice", another moment I'm overwhelmed with warmth. But in general I am very relaxed and chill. It is strange, because I could never been this way before. Or maybe before I was overreacting and trying to make myself (artificially) to feel the experience 100% and now I am just behaving naturally?

Too many questions without answers. Yet.

My hope is that it will evolve eventually.

Highlights

2011-10-07T16:01:00.001+03:00

It's been exactly one month and a week since I started my new journey here in Brussels.

So far it was a mix of everything. In general, I am very happy about me being here. As always, things happen for the best. Of course, I had some frustrations: the biggest one is a French course, which turned out to be a complete disaster. Besides there was that unpleasant accident in my apartment. Good, that I am not that attached to things.

But the rest is just great: my job, city and my neighbourhood, gym, people around (new and old friends), trips to Antwerp, TEDex Flanders, Ana's visit, Roxi's visit.

11 more months to go. Let's see if I can fall in love with this city and country that much so I can stay a bit longer than a year.

To feel or not to feel?

2011-10-05T13:15:00.000+03:00

I don't like to be confused, because I don't like to make other people feel bad when they are involved into my confusion.

But the worst is when you meet confused people and they make you feel confused. And now I don't understand anymore if it is really my confusion or someone's else?

Damn, why am I so influenced by moods of other people? But knowing myself - if I'm not sensitive towards others, then I'll be indifferent. Nothing in the middle really. So I think (yes, I am still in the thinking process...) I prefer to feel instead of being emotionless, careless and defensive.

Tigers never give up

2011-09-28T11:26:00.001+03:00

Some days ago I was talking with a friend of mine about astrology and horoscopes. He asked me: what are the Tiger people look like? (Yeah, I am a Tiger according to Chinese horoscope).

When I was a teen, I was really interested in those things, but I forgot my "description" already and couldn't answer a lot about it. I just told what I felt: Tigers are passionate, persistent and optimistic.

Today I remembered this talk and Googled a bit about Tigers. So here what I found:

Tigers are rebels. They are both colorful and unpredictable. Their energy and love of life are stimulating. They love being the center of attention and never go unnoticed. Tigers are impatient and always look for action. They speak their minds when upset and have suspicious natures.

But in spite of their quick tempers, they are sincere, generous and very affectionate. They also possess a great sense of humor. Tigers like people, involvement,and dedication to humanitarian causes. They seek out adventures, and at certain points in their lives, they will be very rebellious. They must act out some of their ideals and lash out at the wrongs of society. Tigers are so daring that they acquire many admirers. Those who disapprove of what Tigers do still will secretly admire Tigers for their actions.

When Tigers are injured they need all-out sympathy. Logic does not appeal to them. They want to be comforted. They will listen sincerely to the advice you give, and then do exactly as they please. Since they have a lot of spunk, no matter how down and out they get, they never give up. They can always start over again.

People born during the year of the Tiger have super egos. Tread lightly and don't hurt their feelings. They may never forgive you! Tigers are romantic, passionate, and playful. They are also extremely jealous and possessive. If they do not learn to control their emotions, they could cause themselves much trouble. The lives of Tigers are full of emotional situations, but they love it that way. They love life and want to live it to the fullest.

Optimistic, Tigers always bounce back for new and fresh challenges. Tigers are very generous with rewards when you have pleased them. Being delightful hosts, Tigers go all-out to see that you have a good time. They are intense individuals, especially when upset and angry, but Tigers are famous for their ability in influencing others and swaying crowds.

Experience

2011-09-28T01:07:00.000+03:00

I wish to think that all the experiences I had, all the people I encountered in my life were meant to be in order to lead me towards something and someone great, beautiful and meaningful.

The best feeling

2011-09-26T01:08:00.000+03:00

Today I saw this saying: ‎"The best feeling in world is seeing someone smile and knowing that you were the reason why" - and I thought it was so right.

And then later I got a call from a very dear friend. She was crying of happiness and told me that it is because of me. Because I inspired her to join AIESEC and she is going through the best experience ever...

It left me speechless with tears in my eyes...

Beautiful people do not happen

2011-09-21T14:33:00.002+03:00

‎"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.

These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not happen'"

Elizabeth Kubler Ros

I think, I found another beautiful person.

Casual

2011-09-19T19:34:00.000+03:00

Today was a good day. I had two interesting and productive meetings with my manager. Then we had a short casual talk which was quite flattering - he was asking about me, my dreams and ambitions. It is not often when people ask me this, it is mostly me who asks such things.

Anyway, this kind of talks make me smile and believe more in my own strengths.

- Lyuba, are you an ambitious girl?

- Erm... don't know...

- Yes, you ARE.

Today without tomorrow

2011-09-16T00:37:00.001+03:00

Today was a great day, probably because of Happy Thursday spirit in my heart and soul.

Today was also about reflection, forgiving and forgetting. No, mostly about forgetting.

It was quite warm and sunny. I was busy at work. We had lunch in a nice Thai place, talking about random things. I was looking forward to go to the cinema with friends.

And I was ready finally to reply on that email. I though about making it very friendly and casual, but somehow it turned out to become a good bye email. Probably it was something needed. Even if he doesn't understand the real meaning, I know it already: that's it. No real friendship as it could be, no connection whatsoever.

But still - "Bon chance in everything you do! :*"

Later or never?

2011-09-09T00:50:00.001+03:00

I watched this incredibly beautiful, cute and positive movie tonight - Midnight in Paris. And the soundtrack was so Parisian as well...

It maid me feel so warm, so romantic for a moment. But then on my way home I suddenly realized: I was so happy for the characters, but if something like that happened to me, no way I am getting overexcited, trusting and open so fast again. Something has broken inside me since the end of April. I'm sure there is a way to repair, but I don't want to do it now. Maybe later, maybe never.

First things

2011-09-08T12:28:00.000+03:00

So far I have few favourite things about Brussels:

odor of Belgian waffles. I guess, no explanations needed :) When I arrived on Central Station and smelled this beautiful aroma I realised - yes, I am in Brussels and it's real. Funny enough, I didn't eat any waffle since I arrived, but have enough time ahead.
odor of washing powder on the streets. It might sound weird, but I do like it. Here there are a lot of laundaries therefore it gives that special aroma
beautiful architecture everywhere. Somehow I didn't see yet (or maybe won't see ever) those simple and ugly blocks of buildings I was used to see in Ukraine or Finland.

I am sure there will be much more things I love here...

Bad girls go to Brussels

2011-09-04T18:01:00.000+03:00

So here I am in Brussels, apparently a very bad girl according to this saying. Or maybe on my way to become such a girl? At least I want to try to be.

Anyway, finally today I really felt like I am in the right place.

The thing is my way to Brussels was a very long one: I waited for 3,5 months to come here after I got my internship offer; and the travelling itself took 24 hours. Sometimes I couldn't believe that I will make it. But it went fine.

Now I live in a very beautiful city, in a very nice neighborhood and super close to my dearest friends and not far from job. And finally I feel fully rested. What else could I wish for?..

But there is a wish... I wish that my new adventure to be awesome :)

Mission accomplished

2011-08-30T23:51:00.002+03:00

Summer moves on...

So I am moving too. Less in 48 hours I will change a country (again).

But the summer was awesome, really. I did what I liked the most:

Challenging myself: I overcame of the biggest fears of my life - driving. Now I have a driving license and ready to go! (well, still need a car, but it will happen one day too).

Developing myself: I was learning something completely new - the French language with my mom. And seems like I have a progress. After not so many lessons I know how to read and some basic things. This leads me to another goal - to speak basic French after one year in Brussels.

Meeting friends and travelling: I visited a completely new city - Dnipropetrovsk; a city where I lived for 4 years but opened it from another angle - Donetsk; a city where I lived one year and met my old team - Kiev; and a city which I just love - Odessa. Yeah, if I had more time (and money) I would travel more. It will also happen next time.

Balancing my body: I was still doing sports (I started loving running!), eating lots of fruits and vegetables. Still eating mo meat. And I lost 2 kg. Hurray! It is a great progress because according to my previous experiences I always gained weight staying at home whole summer :)

Balancing my life: I reconnected with my parents. It was not easy to stay for 2 months with them... But it was needed to see the value of our relations and connections. I will definitely miss them. And of course - I enjoyed the time spent with my cats :) This energy will be so much needed for me in my catless life ...

I feel grateful for the time I got to stay at home and rethink my life and behavior. However I missed my usual life style. Soon I will get back to it starting a new chapter. But this summer will remain in my heart and soul.

C'est tres bien

2011-08-28T13:38:00.000+03:00

I started packing today...

I still have time till Wednesday, but it is not much really. I can't believe that spent at home almost 2 months and I'm running out of time already.

The is one more thing to fix on Tuesday and I am ready to leave on Thursday.

Waiting for forever

2011-08-24T12:40:00.000+03:00

What if we were able to commit to the first and the only love of our life?

The question is very hypothetical as all my childhood "loves" were always unrequited :)

But the movie was beautiful. So was the soundtrack.

And I would wait for you.

And I'd wait forever too.

Au revoir

2011-08-22T14:57:00.000+03:00

I thought (well, hoped...) that it didn't hurt anymore, after so much time. But apparently four months were not enough to eliminate all the pain.

So today I did something that apparently had to do long time ago but didn't do as I thought it was different this time. Anyway - delete and forget. No forgive, as I forgave long time ago.

Au revoir, mon ami!

Somewhere inside...

2011-08-22T14:01:00.001+03:00

I stumbled upon this list very randomly. But the each and every advice is not random at all. Most of them I started following some time ago and they really work. It is not an ultimate recipe of happiness, but at least something to listen to.

Health

Drink a lot of water.
Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper.
Eat more fruits, vegetables and less ready-made food.
More play games.
Read more books than in 2010.
Sit in silence at least 10 minutes every day.
Good night sleep at least 7 hours.
10-30 minutes of walking e: very day. Smile while walking :)

Personality

Do not compare your life with others. You do not know everything that other people went through and do not know their path. will
Do not cling to negative thoughts and things, that you can't control. Instead invest your energy into positive Now.
Know your limits.
Do not judge yourself too seriously.
Do not waste your energy on gossiping.
Dream more.
Jealousy is a waste of time. You already have everything you need.
Forget problems from past. Do not remind your beloved one about his/her past mistakes. It will spoil your present happiness.
Life is too short to spend time on hatred. Do not hate others.
Nobody is responsible for your happiness, but you.
Remember that life is a school. You are here to know it. Problems are just a part of a school curriculum that comes and goes.
More smiles and laugh.
You don't have to win every argument.

People

Talk more with your relatives.
Every day do something nice to others.
Forgive everyone for everything.
Spend more time with people older than 70 and younger than 6.
Try to smile to at least three persons a day.
What others think about you is non of your business.
Your job doesn't take care of you when you're sick. Your friends - yes. Stay in touch with them.

Life

Get rid of everything that is not useful, beautiful or happy for us.
Good or bad situation is, it will change.
Despite on how you feel, get up, dress up and go.
The best is still ahead.
Somewhere inside you are always happy. Therefore, just be happy :)

Dear Ukraine...

2011-08-19T13:43:00.002+03:00

Today is one of the most stressful days I had so far in Ukraine and it is not over yet, more stress to come. But it is stressful mainly because of unique stupidity of the public services. I was waiting (actually standing as there were no seats) in a line for 2,5 hours in almost complete darkness (as there was not proper light in that hallway) just to find out that I am missing a document and actually I have to go to another office to solve my matter...

The main problem is that all authorities are decentralized and if you want to do few different things related to one matter, for example, registration, you have to go from on end of the city to another. And sometimes even travel to another city... Besides that there is a lack of information, people simply do not know where they have to go, which forms to complete, whom to ask... I still do not understand how come me as a citizen of Ukraine do not have a proper right for registration? I have to do so much useless paper work :S

On another note today I witness again how my parents love and support me. My mom and dad are simply awesome. I wish that one day I become a parent at least a bit like them. My parents are here for me and will be always here for me till the end of their lives. And it is such a shame that I will leave far away from them... But they do understand why I do so and (again) totally support my choices.

Random me

2011-08-06T20:32:00.000+03:00

Nothing compares with a good workout after three days of being lazy. I feel that really like jogging and seriously thinking about doing 10 km or half a marathon one day.

Still, I can't get rid of those last 5, or at least 3 kg that don't let me have a good night sleep :) It is going to be my project #1 when I get to Brussels - to finally gain my dream shape. I have a perfect idea how to realize this dream - to rent an expensive room and then don't have enough money for food :) This would probably help :)

"Be hurt. The world can take it"

2011-08-06T18:24:00.001+03:00

The movie No strings attached reminded me again of what I sometimes try to fight and forget - it is impossible to feel nothing. At least it is applicable to me, 100%. I tried few times to feel nothing on purpose, but it doesn't work that way, it is more complicated.

Yes, if try I can more or less chose what to feel towards people, but be totally indifferent - definitely NO.

And why to be indifferent? Why to deprive yourself of emotions? I think it is the way it should be, we have emotions therefore experiencing different emotions is an essential part of life. So feel it.

Another point is how to get over the attachment you have and move on. I wish it was simpler as it is.

Give your love to the ones who offer you bruise

After bruise, after bruise

and I will let you go...

The year of happiness

2011-08-02T00:17:00.002+03:00

I should have written this post few weeks ago, on the 13th of July, because this is when I celebrated my one year anniversary since I landed in HEL airport. The post about my year in cold but so beautiful Finland. But somehow I didn't have enough inspiration to do so, although I was reflecting quite a lot about it. Here it is at last.

It was another year I spent abroad but a different one in a way it impacted on me.

I started really taking care of my physical health.

I finally implemented my long-time dream and subscribed to a gym which I attended like crazy (on my friends opinion). I really slimmed down, gained muscles and a lot more positive attitude. Now I really appreciate the value of exercising.

Another thing - I started cooking a lot, meaning also that I ate healthier, more fruits and vegetables. At last I gave up on meat, coffee and sugar.

Together with taking care of my body, I took real care of my mind

I tried not to be emotional or influenced by emotions of external environment. I even tried Buddhist meditation, which really worked for me and I definitely would like to learn more about this religion and their ways of personal development. Probably I got a bit influenced by my Finnish colleagues - they are so calm, considerate, polite and relaxed, so it's impossible to be stressed at all.

All these practices helped me tremendously when I had my little break(down). I guess my high emotional intelligence helped me to go though it without any personality damage. I still believe in all good things and know that one day they all will happen to me. I just don't know when :)

I grew as a professional and an employee.

My job in Finland was finally the "real" one in a sense that I worked in a corporate environment. It was completely different from I used to know and what I expected. It was not easy to adjust and be flexible. Sometimes I was frustrated, more often I was happy with successes I had. But I guess frustrations made me realize how lucky I was to work in that company, with those amazing people, to be able to do the things I managed to accomplish.

All in all I am ready now to face my new job related challenges and this time I'll be more prepared. And everything thanks to the last year.

Year in Finland was a lot about different realizations and new self-discoveries.

For example, I realized that despite of having a lot of friends there, I do not have that many close friends... There were now close connections. All my friends are in another countries.But it is still possible to stay in touch having long-distance relationships with them.

I realized that I'd like to do something besides my work. I wanted to expand my creativity and do something different. I wanted to make an impact. Maybe it's a small thing for someone, but definitely not for me and my friend with whom we are doing our Happy Thursday project. It is extremely important for me, because every day and every moment I feel connected to a community of happy people who are waiting for us to share the happiness and like to share it as well.

This initiative made me understand that I want and I can do much more things, different things. So I decided to risk and change (again) the country I live in, my work, some of my friends. I wanted to have another turning point in life. I set a goal and I made it happen. Very soon I will be surrounded by my best friends, meeting new business challenges and doing more happy social impact.

It was a happy year, really. I am extremely grateful to Finland for all the life lessons I got there. But the most important - happiness is real and when you share, and then it multiplies by 10 or even more. It gives your energy and belief in yourself. I didn't live in the happiest country in the world, but I was and still am one of the happiest people :)

One more to go

2011-08-01T22:08:00.000+03:00

It has been exactly one month since I arrived to Ukraine.

I imagined that the time will go super slowly, but it didn't. During those days I was studying highway code, attending driving lessons, learning a bit of French, travelling around Ukraine to meet up with friends (so far I've been in 4 cities), doing a bit of sports.

The least pleasant fact about staying here is feeling lonely... Today I was coming back from a trip to Donetsk when I meet up with cool people and had a lot of fun and thoughtful talks, I realized that the most I missed is communication and being surrounded by people. For the last few years I couldn't escape but had to be around with people. Sometimes I had to isolate myself to get a bit of rest. But now I missed it. I' m really hungry to spend time with friends. But soon I will.

Cultural shocks have passed and I understood that if I stay here some time more, definitely more than one more month, it is easy to get used to this routines. But no, I don't want to live like the for the rest of my life.

I am extremely excited about the next month: trip to Odessa, exams in school, finalizing some logistics for my moving to Belgium, and more French. And then - flight to Brussels on September, 1st. Seems a bit unreal... I was excepted to my new job in mid May, and I had to wait for 3,5 long months to start working. But not it's only 1/3 left, even less. I'm almost there :)

One more month to enjoy, and then start of a new life with old friends.

Stuff

2011-07-29T22:27:00.000+03:00

What makes me really annoyed about my staying home is that this internet connection SUCKS. Yes, in capitals. For example, I couldn't skype with my friend tonight, because the internet just disappeared.

Sure, it appeared, but later, when I didn't need it so badly, maybe just for me to be pissed off and to write this post. Agrr...

But on contrary, I'm happy because tomorrow I'm going to visit Donetsk, meet up with old friends, have fun, go wild (or maybe not). At least be with cool people and not being lonely.

Also I had a lot of fun studying French with my mom tonight. C'est magnifique (and yes, I wrote this without Google translate :)

You never know

2011-07-28T21:19:00.000+03:00

You never know when your past will find you...

I have spent 25 days at home, being alert all the time while walking the streets and a bit afraid of meeting my past.

But then, on the 25th day, right when I step off the bus expecting nothing, I met my past on the bus stop. Surprisingly I wasn't shocked, my knees weren't shaking and heart was not jumping out my chest. I just saw him, pretended not to notice anything and anyone and walked away.

He might noticed and recognized me. But I want to think that he didn't, that his vision is still not that good, and he was squinting not looking at me but searching for someone else. Besides I changed a bit, so... I just hope he didn't see me.

That was on Monday. But today while jogging I thought about this again. I'm a little coward because I can't face my past and issues. But again and again I'm reassured that did a right choice, even thought it was made not the best way.

OMG

2011-07-17T22:21:00.000+03:00

Today I had a one in a life time opportunity: I drank a 10 year old champagne from a half-liter jar. In a village. too bad I didn't have a camera with me.

Oh my... Cultural shock on it's ridiculous verge.

Challenge accepted!

2011-07-16T13:55:00.001+03:00

Few years ago I couldn't imagine myself driving a car. I would laugh nervously if somebody told that one day I would. But never say never :)

3 months ago I found out that most probably I would spend 2 months in Ukraine. I couldn't imagine doing nothing in my boring home town for those long months so my great friend suggested to take a driving course. This time I thought: I am not that scared and nervous girl anymore. I can handle my emotions in stressful situations. So why not? Why not to challenge myself and meet my fear? Besides it is very useful skill.

Today I had my 4th driving lesson. Well, I am still not that good in gear shift so have to practice a lot. But it seems that I can be relaxed while driving. And the feeling of speed is actually incredible... :)

I will have my final exam on the 30th of August. Then I will find out how good I can be. But before I will study road laws and will have 15 more driving lessons. But challenge is definitely accepted!

Uncomfortable

2011-07-15T20:59:00.000+03:00

I was running today and people were literally staring at me. Some driver even suggested to give me a lift as a mocking :S Not a pleasant feeling at all.

After exactly such kind of small incidents I want to go back to Western Europe, where it is okay to run and do sports, and it doesn't seem to be something strange or extraordinary.

But I know why do people stare: they are not used to take care of themselves (physically and mentally), they don't have that freedom. Meaning, they do have, but they don't realize that they can do whatever they want. And it makes me sad for them...

Back home

2011-07-12T20:55:00.003+03:00

It is not easy to be back home.

My parents' flat (including my room) looks more like a shelter because of all renovations they do.

I have no friends here besides my parents and myself (and maybe my cat). To see my friends I have to travel at least for 2 hours to another city

I am afraid to go out after 10 pm because it is not safe and there is no proper street lights.

I hate public transport because it is slow, over crowed, dirty and without ventilation.

I don't like to take walks here because roads are dusty and broken, and air is polluted.

I got all my allergies back and I don't know how to treat them besides leaving this country...

I feel stressed when surrounded with lots of people - they always talk too much, especially about their problems.

But I have no other choice, but to live here for 2 months and to love this place (otherwise it is easy to go nuts).

Now, after staying home for one week I have overcome the cultural shock and all attempts of my mind to tell me "oh my... people live much better in Europe" I force myself to think instead: "You lived here for 17 years and you survived. So try to get pleasure from all the enjoyable moments possible".

Therefore I don't give up on my usual routines I had in "other" life: I started exercising and running; I am blogging and reading; I am still vegetarian and don't drink coffee; I am skyping with my dear friends from abroad.

On the other hand there are so many precious things to enjoy: spending time with my parents; eating my mom's homemade food (nothing compares to it!); playing with my cat and dog; enjoy hot weather (even if it's hot in the transport :); travelling around Ukraine to meet my old friends and relatives. Besides I'm meeting my biggest fear - learning how to drive a car.

Two months will pass really fast. Actually, it is less than 2 months already... So I'd better enjoy it and be happy.

I am content

2011-06-23T14:07:00.001+03:00

It's only one week left in Helsinki and next Friday, on the 1st of July, I'm leaving to Ukraine.

All the preparations go smoothly so far: I sent my luggage to Belgium (and apparently it is not lost :), I will get my Belgian visa on Tuesday. There are few things I still need to sort out, but it is minor and should be fine.

I couldn't manage to do everything I wanted to do in Helsinki before I live. Yes, not enough money and time. But also I realized that it is okay not to rush. I should have few things to miss about Helsinki, right? I should want to come here again and experience something new.

I'm content with everything I had here, I currently have and what awaits for me in the nearest future. Besides I was reminded today that the present moment is the perfect one - http://happy-thursday.posterous.com/friendly-reminder

and btw, Happy Thursday!

The look of love

2011-06-15T00:14:00.000+03:00

Just stuck in my head. Again. So Latino and so beautiful :)

The look of love is saying so much more than just words could ever say...

Encouraging leader

2011-06-12T23:28:00.001+03:00

I saw this test on Rolf's blog and decided to try it as well.

And yes, I'm encouraging leader and I'm happy about it. Because it is who I really am. At least the encouraging part :)

My personalDNA Report

My ching-chongs

2011-06-12T23:17:00.001+03:00

Today I finally got a feeling that I'm leaving really soon, less than 3 weeks already.

Today I spent the whole day with my friends as an early farewell. I planned to go to the zoo and then have a picnic. It went the same way, with a small change and confusion, but turned out really great.

It was a great sunny weather; beautiful nature of Koskeasari island and the zoo; not much animals as expected, but still fine. Then we had a picnic on a small island in Helsinki. It was probably the last time I cooked for them... Feels a bit sad, even though I know that I can see them again for sure.. We had a great time...

I got one of the most beautiful presents ever - a hand-made postcard and a book of Dalai Lama "The art of happiness". To word, it is interesting that this year in Finland turned out to be a year of spirituality and discovery of phenomena of happiness for me. So this book is very dear for me now.

I'll still see my friends all together in my last days here, but anyway... I miss them already and I miss the time we could spent more. And we will, but in a different way.

Dear loveboo, we are hiding our sadness behind these (glasses). So you're going... oh you know, the world is very small. Remember this - anywhere you go whenever you miss us just press this (button) and we will (Facebook) you. Don't forget our (kesä - june). We (ching-chong:) you, Lyubov. (Huynh, Pak)

I let myself be happy

2011-06-09T22:31:00.002+03:00

Every Happy Thursday is like an important check point:

Did I do something i love?
Did I do something meaningful and useful?

Did I do something for people I love?

Besides every Thursday I'm anxious to find something interesting for our readers that will bring some positiveness, will make them think and maybe change their habits/life a bit. Bit by bit we are sharing happiness :)

And every like, retweet or comment, but especially random chat makes my heart melt. Because I know that at least a small community of people need what we do and want us to continue.

I have so many ideas how to spread this initiative even more, how to involve more people. Soon, very soon, when I get to my new country, it will be easier to implement.

For now I am simply happy :)

Small victory

2011-06-07T15:02:00.000+03:00

If you try on your summer pants and realize that it's at least one size too big for you, it makes you feel quite proud of yourself :) And it also gave me a hope for more success in my small body project and a motivation to continue :)

Besides today I celebrate one month without coffee. The irony is that today I got a free Starbucks coffee and yes, I drank it :) This small cheating is ok, isn't it ? Drinking coffee once a month (especially for free) is acceptable :)

Also in two days I'll achieve a meat-free month and it doesn't bother me at all. My friend is afraid that I don't get enough protein, vitamins and minerals, but so far I feel good and don't notice any bad changes.

To be continued... :)

Body project

2011-05-26T15:45:00.002+03:00

My little project seems to show its results: after 2,5 weeks of being vegetarian and not drinking coffee I lost 1 kg. (Of course, I still attend my gym regularly, 3-4 times a week)

Well, it is not much, but the main point: the weight is stable. I tried dieting before and the main drawback of any diet is that you lose your wight but then easily gain it back. Good, I didn't gain more that I lost, but I gain everything I lost :)

I will keep up with my vegetarian habits and of course try not to drink coffee at least during this summer. Three months sound challenging enough. But I think it is also enough time to make these habits essential part of my life.

I also have an ultimate dream - to lose 6 more kg. I may look like a skeleton afterwards, but firstly I should reach to that point :) The midterm goal is minus 3 kg during this summer. Let's see how it goes but "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere".

Taming your mind

2011-05-24T23:45:00.001+03:00

"Whatever happens, is the right thing to happen" - it has been one of my favorite quotes and for the last two years I successfully lived my life by this principle.

Just yesterday I've heard another variation of it from a Buddhist monk: Whatever happens, I know how to deal with it.

Honestly, it is much more insightful and powerful, because it refers to your inner power and ability to cope with things and situations that happens with you, but not only be a follower.

The lecture about mind training gave me a lot of food for thought about phenomenon of Happiness and especially our desperate desire to be happy and the suffering it actually brings... I made a short synopses of the lecture with my favorite and the most important (as for me) statements:

You mind is not only thoughts. Think about mind as your experiences, emotions, reactions, habitual tendencies.

People want to be happy as the most important thing in their life. They don't want to have suffering or misery. Everyone wants to be happy, joyful, have lasting peace. A lot of people think about happiness as a temporary state at specific point of time. While happiness is more a reaction on what we experience in life. Therefore you can react and emote in different ways, positively or negatively, it depends on you. If you learn how to cope with your reactions and emotions, you can change the way you feel about any situation.

The most crucial is how you perceive situations around you. Do you know an example with a glass with water? Different people will see it differently. Pessimist will say that the glass is half empty; optimist is convinced that is half full. But spiritualist sees the glass as overflowing.

The only thing that holds us back is fear. Fear of not getting something or losing something. We are always busy running after something or away from something. We don't have peace or balance. We create a strong attachment to external factors by thinking: I'll be happy when I get this or that and then I'll stop. But fear lasts till you actually lose and then you're afraid to not get it back... So by creating an attachment or having desire you're creating a dissatisfaction from the very beginning. Having less cravings will make your life more balanced. Intelligence and wisdom should protect and guide you, not fear. It just makes you panic.

There is one practical exercise that can help you to tame your fear: Dare to receive what you don't want. Dare to give what you want to keep.

Well, the lecture didn't open me something extraordinary. (In general I think that Buddhist teaching is really natural and its concepts are based on a real human experience but not on supernatural power). Nevertheless the lecture allowed me to see the things from a different angle. I think the most important was to understand that attachment as a source of suffering and continuous fear. It is so relevant for me now to be aware of that...

But at the same time I'm struggling to understand few things... How not to become completely indifferent towards things, situations and people if you don't have any attachment? How to be guided by your wisdom and intelligence but still follow your heart (emotional part of you mind?)

It is so complex and comprehensive, and there are much more interconnections than I wished it to be... But I definitely continue my exploration of the Buddhist teaching to find the answers.

Talk to me like...

2011-05-19T16:29:00.000+03:00

I just can't stop listening to this song. It is too beautiful and sad.

Solo

2011-05-18T13:16:00.001+03:00

I finally started reading this book called "50 ways to find a lover". Sounds easy and cheesy, doesn't it? My friend told it was a really hilarious book. Well, probably I shouldn't read heavy philosophical depressive novels or professional books about marketing all the time, need a break for something light.

Besides, the first paragraph was just too promising: I'm single. A spinster. Alone. Unloved. Unwanted. Rejected. Solo. Mono. So I already could imagine a lot of funny stories ahead.

I can't stop laughing reading this book. Usually I'm reading on my way to/from work so most probably people on the train think I'm insane or something :) But the book is too sad and funny at the same time to be true. Does a girl can be that desperate to changer her status from "single" to "in a relationship"? Or at least to have sex? And why a beautiful and interesting woman should be so desperate? Is it a matter of insecurity or a bad karma?..

Oh, well, I am sure eventually this book will end with happily-ever-after thing as most of this sort of books end.

I am convinced that it is better to be gorgeous solo-mono than to compromise being with someone just because you or, even worse, someone else think you should be.

Purification

2011-05-16T15:46:00.001+03:00

So, step one - giving up on coffee. I didn't plan it at all. One day I just woke up and decided to drink tea with milk instead. So far it is my second week without coffee; it is relatively easy. I don't feel really sleepy but maybe miss its taste a bit.

Step two - becoming a vegetarian. At least on weekdays and still eating fish, eggs and milk. This also happened randomly, but I know why... I didn't eat meat for one week and then had a bit but realized that I didn't miss the taste at all. Now thinking about meat I feel sickness in my stomach. Yeah... visible consequences of breakdown.

Also I realized one thing: I need to have these kind of small "projects" in my life. I need to put really measurable and concrete goals in order to do improve myself, my life and hold on to something. And so far it is the most effective way to change my habits - starting with something temporary and small that will grow in something bigger and continuous.

But both of these things lead to a bigger project that I started deliberately: purification of my mind. To be honest, this is much harder to achieve and measure. I want my mind in peace. It doesn't mean I don't want to think about my past. It is okay to go back to past, but I want to feel free thinking about it. So this is my goal - to be free thinking about my past without any feeling, but happiness.

I keep myself busy with different activities in order not to think about anything or do anything else but only things that make me happy and focused.

Embrace the moment

2011-05-14T00:17:00.000+03:00

I have finally finished listening to "Shantaram" by Gregory David Roberts. The book was just too heavy to carry it every day in my bag, so I decided to switch to audio format.

I spent around 50 hours and a little bit more than 2 months. I have started in end February with excitement and sparkles in my eyes and finished on the first week of May with the thoughtful heart and a bit of mess in my head. The hero's life changed drastically by the end of the novel. And so did mine.

I tend to find a meaning in everything that happens to me. Somehow I think that I read this book for a reason. The Universe made me read it to understand a little bit more about the complexity of life and worry less about what is happening to me and to other people.

And I should be grateful for everything that happened to me while I was reading this book. I did my best to get what I wanted. In the end I got almost everything I was striving for. I'm going home very soon and staying there for two months to finally reconnect with people I love. And then I will leave to a new country, I will start a new adventure but close to old good friends. I start a new chapter in my life without anything holding me back. At least I will try my best to prevent any thought or feeling to hold me back.

I will restore and retain that happiness, love and peace in me, that was nurturing me every moment and day from February till end of April. I will calm my mind and heal my heart. I will keep on enjoying every second of my life and embracing every beautiful moment of it. Because I want to and I have the power.

"Every human will has the power to transform its fate. I'd always thought that fate was something unchangeable, fixed for everyone of us at birth and as constant as the circuit of the stars. But I suddenly realized, that life is stranger and more beautiful than that. The truth is that no matter what kind of game you find yourself in, no matter how good or bad the luck, you can change your life completely with a single thought or a single act of love".

I will write a great new chapter starting from TODAY.

Back on track or Let's the magic continue!

2011-05-09T00:07:00.001+03:00

Today I finally felt that bitterness has almost vanished from my heart.

I woke up and read an amazing email from my friend, who shared with me a life-story. It made me smile. And I'm still smiling thinking about it... Soon it will be published on Happy Thursday. Seems like magic of the initiative comes back to me again. I got a bit worried that after my small breakdown two weeks ago I lost my passion. But I just took a break apparently and now I am back on track. So let's the magic continue!

Another thing: today I have finally started my project "Tourist in Helsinki". The "to-visit list" is quite long. Well, I have started to arrange things since the last week, but today I had the first visit to one of the museums.

Kiasma - the museum of contemporary art. One of my friends told me, that it gives a lot of inspiration. And it did give it to me indeed. It was filled with spirit of unexpected and creative installations, videos and even music about Africa.

Then we had our coffee time with Emilie at one of cafe's terraces. There was a small French market nearby with a lot of French food. Next week I definitely go there to eat crepe.

I finalized this amazing Sunday with killing gym workout, and then was skypig for the whole evening with my friends. My friends... I want to be close to them. Hopefully I'll be quite soon.

Ah, yes... This small note that I saw at museum's comments board, reminded me one obvious thing:

No regrets

2011-05-04T22:26:00.001+03:00

I have less than two months left to stay in Helsinki. 2 months. 8 weeks. 60 days... So little...

I will change the country again. Hopefully for the one I want to be in.

I don't know where I would be now if I didn't travel to Holland on my birthday. I guess, that meeting was a turning point, a push I needed to realize something about myself again. You meet people and they change your life in a moment. Well, not really in a moment... But the impact is so great.

I understand something important: I need to do what makes me happy and be close to people that make me happy and whom I can make happy. Does this life in Helsinki make me happy? If I was not such an optimist, I think it wouldn't. I do have a comfortable life here and can make it even more comfortable. But... There is no one to love. Really love. Somehow I didn't meet anyone, who can become a special person for me.

But I do have them in Belgium... So I guess the choice is correct then.

I know that everything happens for a reason. It is just sad a bit to leave again. But no regrets. Really.

So for the next 2 months I still need to:

- visit amusement park
- visit Kiasma museum (done)

- take a ride on cultural tram

- go to National park

- visit islands

- go to Tallin (ticket booked! 13-15 May)

- maybe go to Fazer chocolate factory (planned, in the process to gather people)

- go to Heureka

- visit planetarium

- visiting meditation course

- take the most out of my gym membership :)

- say bye to people I value the most

I don't think it is a full list. Well, I didn't mention that I have some important (for me) things to accomplish at work.

Yeah a lot of things to do to make a proper closure. But it is needed if I want to leave this country with a light heart.

Novel

2011-05-03T23:32:00.001+03:00

I just watched one inspirational movie with the weird title Happythankyoumoreplease. I loved two quotes from it the most:

Annie: Sadness be gone, let's be people who deserve to be loved, who are worthy, cause we are worthy.

Mississippi: I realized the problem. you write short stories. And i think you like living short stories

i'm kind of ready for the novel, you know?

Combining both of them in a concise conclusion: We are worthy to live a novel...

Love is all you need

2011-05-02T23:13:00.001+03:00

My wise mister President told me last Saturday night (or did he stole it from Beatles? .. :)

Know one thing: Only LOVE matters. LOVE is all you need!

Not sure he remembers about it as he was quite drunk :) But I think he is right.

Unconditional love. Always. Towards people and myself.

Boa Sorte

2011-04-29T00:43:00.000+03:00

That's it
There's no way
It's over
Good luck

...

There are so many
Special people in the world
So many special
People in the world

Happy illness

2011-04-27T14:06:00.000+03:00

The best things about being sick:

I can eat chocolate and justify myself that this is my small treatment :)
I can be a lazy bum and skip my gym today (well... actually I'll be preparing for an interview instead, but anyway :)
I have worsened hearing and I don't hear unnecessary things :)

Nice :D

Easter break(age)

2011-04-27T01:32:00.001+03:00

I don't like to be pissed off, but still I am a little bit. Somehow I think that have all rights and reasons for that... My Easter vacation didn't go the way I dreamed about it... I expected to cry because of happiness but I cried because of pity to myself... I came back home literally sick and tired after a 12 hours trip (instead of 6 maximum). I got sun burns, rheum and a little wound in my soul.

Sun burns will turn into a normal tan; rheum will pass; but the soul wound. Here I should really work on it. I will be fine. Definitely. Maybe in couple of weeks, maybe less, maybe more. But I will. I just don't want to have a scar once the wound is healed.

But again, any challenging situation could be turned into a lesson, right? Otherwise there is no hope, there is no future and new dreams. Every day of my vacation was a good lesson for me.

Thursday lesson: Happiness depends only on YOU and your will

Even if you end up in a strange city alone, even if your friend ditched you, it is not the thing to sob about. Especially on a Happy Thursday. This is what I thought and I had an amazing day of discoveries in Amsterdam: lovers cruise on its canals, walk around the city and visiting Van Gogh museum. Finally I had a chance to explore Amsterdam a bit more after four visits.

Friday lesson: There is nothing more disturbing than unmet expectations

Friday was a nice day in a beautiful city with a person I wanted to have next to me. But... Again I was convinced that bad news NOW is better then bad news AFTERWARDS when almost nothing can be changed. I don't like when people don't tell me the whole truth, even about small things. I don't like to be disappointed just because someone can't keep a promise.

Saturday lesson: Nature and beauty are the most powerful things

I don't know what about others, but when I'm surrounded with beautiful nature I feel in peace with myself and the universe. I know: if I feel down, I just need to have a walk in a nice park or street, just get somewhere outdoors. This is how I saved myself on Saturday afternoon.

Sunday lesson: "You can do so much better than this"

Yes, I can and I will. I don't and I won't regret about anything or anyone. Opposite: I'm grateful to meet such an interesting personality, from whom I could learn quite few important things. I know who I am, what I want and how to get it. But apparently I target a wrong person. I want someone totally different from me, while I need a person who is more alike: a bit innocent, but not naive; genuine but also strong enough to defend himself; ready to live and feel with his whole heart and not afraid to let someone else to do the same for him. I thought I found this already, but as it turned out not at all. But I met a genuine and a brave person who was not afraid to tell the truth right away.

Another thing: I should really listen to my intuition more often. It was nagging me for some time that this should and would happen. But I wanted to believe that this was just my stupid suspicion which I had to get rid off. I did and failed.

Monday lesson: Friends, people and relationships are the most valuable

Friends, real ones, will be always there for you. I have no idea what would I do if I didn't meet Anya on Monday. She came for me from another city, changed her plans for me. She didn't pity me, but she took me around the city, made me laugh and even go inside the Monster. I needed exactly this: great friend taking care of me.

Tuesday lesson: I can't bear loneliness

When I was a kid I had a special phobia: I couldn't stay at home alone, so I preferred to escape outside. I thought that phobia was gone. But today I felt that it's back. I felt sick, I couldn't stay at that place, I needed to go somewhere and see other people, do something, run away from my depressive thoughts and a suffocating pain in my chest.

I did so... I preferred to stay 5 extra hours in a crowded airport than in that flat left all alone.

That was my Easter break(age). But I am not broken, just wounded. And this too, will pass.

Soon

2011-04-18T15:56:00.000+03:00

It's only 3 days left...

What are those 3 days comparing to 55 days ? It's only a tiny 19th part, but it feels as forever.

I can't wait till this week's Happy Thursday. Then I will see two very important people whom I didn't see for 2 months and almost two years.

But before this day there are so much more to do. It is great as it will make me busy :)

Practicing compassion

2011-04-16T17:06:00.001+03:00

Yesterday I attended a highly spiritual lecture about compassion by a real Buddhist monk from Tibet. I loved her speech a lot. The thing is that I was thinking a lot lately about true happiness and kindness towards others. And her lecture was like a great summary of all the thoughts I got. What impressed me the most how she could put into words all that complicated concepts and how simply she explained things...

You're a source of happiness or suffering for others as much as they are a source of happiness or suffering for you.

That is why in order to reach real compassion, love and kindness towards others:

1. Genuinely wish happiness to everyone around.

2. Don't be a cause of suffering to others.

3. Be truly happy when others are happy.

Looks easy, doesn't it? But try to really practice these 3 things in your everyday life and you will see that there is nothing more hard to do.

Eternity

2011-04-13T22:34:00.000+03:00

Eight days left. Only 8. Or still 8... And the whole day I have this song in my mind

8 looks like an inverted sign of eternity. It's a good sign anyway :)

Cat power

2011-04-10T21:09:00.004+03:00

This Sunday was THE day to realize my old dream - visit to cat shelter here in Helsinki.

The shelter is located quite far from Helsinki city center, 30 min by bus. But I didn't mind the long ride at all: sunny weather and audio book of Shantaram kept me busy.

The first impression of the shelter was really cozy. On the first floor they have a small shop where you can buy different things for cats or dogs: toys, food, souvenirs. Besides they have some other rooms for the stuff.

Following the pink trace

and then the stairs with wonderful pictures of cats on the walls

you can get to the second floor where visitors can meet the cats.

There were not so much animals there, maybe around ten-eleven cats and two bunnies. They live in cozy "rooms" for one or two, where they have everything they need - bed, food and even a shelf that serves as a second floor.

When I was in the shelter, one of the cats, a really big fat red cat, released from his room, was running in the hallway. I even managed to pet him. Another cat, who was in his room, when saw me, started meowing and tried to reach me.

This white cat, which name is Maru, lived in a separate biggest room alone.

I read about this cat on the shelter's website and it was said that he is a furious one. But I could stroke him and he was meowing back very friendly.

I was positively surprised to see quite a lot of people coming to the shelter and checking the cats. I hope that at least one of them got owners today.

I talked a bit with the woman who worked there asking about how cats get to the shelter. As she told, most of them are found. Some of them get when their owners die... Before getting to the second floor, every newcomer has to stay in a quarantine area for one months in order to get all the check ups and vaccines.

I didn't stay longer on the second floor, otherwise I would have taken some of them. I spent some time in the shop buying postcards.

What I liked a lot, that this organization has their own brand - Cat Power. Next time I go to the shelter I'll definitely buy a T-shirt. For now I bought a pin which put on my backpack:

It is just a small pin, but I definitely got the power: it has been a long time since I've been so smiley, happy and sunny as today. Cats always give me the magical power and that is why I adore them.

P.S. I should actually thank to Nata (and of course, Happy Thursday), who encouraged me to realize this small but important dream. So thank you, my dear blonde :) Something very cute is waiting for you :)

Small dreams grow big

2011-04-08T00:26:00.001+03:00

Happy Thursday has started already on Wednesday, when I got a document from tax office that I'll get some tax return. Not much, but it's money anyway, duuuuh :) Nice...

Another thing: we discussed our next Happy Thursday blog post; we chose one a very touchy video based on true story of five old men who despite their old age decided to realize their precious dream.

And then Nata come up with this idea: to announce our small dreams in the blog post and commit to realize. Be a real role model so to say. I was thinking about visiting cat's shelter here in Helsinki, but it never went further of me searching info about it on internet. But now I committed to do it this Sunday. Really look forward to it. Hope I will be able to resist cat's charm and won't come back home with a kitty :)

The Happy Thursday itself didn't start that well though... Well, I had a couple of unpleasant things, but it didn't spoil my mood. And as a reward everything went nice: a lot of work, some aside project, gym, dinner with friends. Ah, yes, I got a ticket to Brussels (the most expensive trip I ever had :S) and in 3 weeks I'll see my Big Bang team and some other friends there. It was painful to buy it, but then... I don't buy the ticket, I buy the chance to meet great people, have amazing time and remember awesome things about those 2 days.

And when I got home I got another good news. Hopefully it will evolve into something even better.

I still count days, now it's 13 days left. 13 looong days which hopefully will be filled with work and other activities. And then... Tulips :)

Meditation

2011-04-06T15:45:00.001+03:00

I am not a religious person and I never had a need for specific religion or gods to believe in or worship. For me there is no certain way of things. I don't think there is a only one right god or one religion. There is no certainty. But I definitely believe in mystery and spirituality, power of your own mind and body. And when you have the mind-body balance, then you become your own god so to say. Unfortunately some of the religious people concentrate too much on superficial rituals rather then on important content.

However there are certain practices that attract me in different religions, for example, meditation. When I was doing yoga last year, it was the meditation part I liked the most. I didn't go far because didn't practice yoga for a long time, only for few months. But what I felt was already enough for me to be curious about meditation - when you're in the meditation state you think about nothing and filled with pure peace, love and harmony.

That is why I was really excited to go with my friend to a Buddhist medication session for the first time. Just to try and see if I like it or not.

First, I liked the introduction to the meditation session: the leader told a bit about Buddhism and the purpose of Buddhist meditation - to change the bad habit tendencies for good in order to spread love, happiness and compassion to others. It is something that I personally value too. I have realized importance of this and defined as my life goal some time ago after analysis of my own life and behavior.

It is hard to explain the feelings and thoughts while meditating unless you've experienced it yourself. Meditation is a difficult experience but at the same time very powerful. It is difficult to concentrate on chanting mantras in a strange Tibetan language; to think nothing but about mantras and then - silence; to bear the pain in your muscles sitting in lotus position after all.

But then in between all those difficulties, just for a second, maybe fraction of a second, you feel enlightenment. At some moment I realized that all the people's voices merged into one deep powerful sound so I could feel it with my body. Because of this vibration I started swinging from side to side. I felt really warm and comfortable. In the moment of silence I was half asleep, but at the same time all my senses were really sharp and deep, and somehow focused on my internal world though.

I "woke up" when the meditation was over and it didn't feel that it lasted for 45 minutes. Somehow it went much faster or much long, I lost track of time. But I felt really well: not tired at all (besides muscle pain), full of life and so peaceful and grateful. Empowered and inspired.

When I went outside the sun was shining and this fact doubled the whole effect of the meditation. I liked the feeling a lot, so I'll do it again trying to reach deeper meditation state.

I have realized also that this is a powerful experience indeed, so powerful that I don't want to imagine if someone could use it with bad intentions. It should be use only for good causes.

Grey

2011-04-05T00:55:00.000+03:00

Today was a real day of (I'm afraid to even utter this word)... spring.

It was warm like any other day, although rainy and cloudy. Grey. But it felt nice, because today I got some hope that spring will come here too. Sometimes I feel tired of this never ending winter and strange country. Bit by bit I start to live by my dreams, thinking about what will be in 3 months, maybe thinking too much, so I started to worry.

I think I shall stop and live more my life here. Yes, I have my own plan, my FOCUS which I pursuit for the last 1,5 months and will continue until it's finished. But not so much time left for me to stay here, so I shall make the most out of it. Maybe, become a tourist in the city again and discover something new about it; maybe, travel around the country. Maybe connect to the people I'd love to connect too (the only real problem, that there is not so much of them here...)

Speaking about people, I've realized that almost all my close friends I got last year being in Norway. New people with whom I connected, or old friends with whom I finally established deeper relationships. So far it has been the most A-HA year.

But nevertheless this strange country, Finland, gave me some important experiences: life in a real world, following my heart with a real belief in other people and impact. And longing.

Spring frequency

2011-03-29T00:39:00.002+03:00

March is almost gone, but the real spring still hasn't come in this cold country. They tell that snow will melt in 2-3 weeks but I don't really believe in this. Today I counted that since mid November we had a real winter with lots of snow meaning that winter is really 5-6 month long...

However, the great thing is that now the sun is shining almost every day; the days are really long, we have real day light between 6 am and 8 pm. Amazing.

Anyway, spring is the state of your mind/heart/soul :) And I'm on the "spring frequency" since mid November too. Today I rewarded myself (for my gym "campaign" :) with a simple, but elegant spring-summer dress of a very bright turquoise color. Three more weeks, and I'll wear it among beautiful tulips :D

Three more weeks, and I'll be in a real spring with all its beauty, warmth and tenderness.

Completely in love

2011-03-25T23:20:00.001+02:00

Brand new day brings brand new start...

Life is beautiful when there are so much wholehearted people around me to inspire and empower. And amazing impactful opportunities are popping up so suddenly (when I actively search for them :)

Only one puzzle is missing to make this day complete. But soon I'll reach it too.

Now is one of the moments when I feel so much in love with life, everything and everyone. Wish it can last forever...

No matter what

2011-03-24T23:45:00.001+02:00

It was a great day, as usually every Happy Thursday is :)

I spent the whole day with a friend, whom I didn't see for around 3 years or so. But it felt like we always been in touch and never had this long break. Really natural connection :) It is so great to see how she is different now, so grown up and mature, but still with amazing dreams and goals.

Today three of us (me, Alina and her future baby) walked a lot around the city; it was cold, windy but sunny. And today I did few things for the first time in my life:

visited two art galleries in Helsinki (which were interesting);
noticed how many cafes are there in the city (thanks to Alina and her "cafe/restaurants passion");
I went to the baby clothes shop and witnessed a historical moment: it was the first time Alina bought clothes for her baby;
and last but not the least - I felt the baby's moves (it is simply awesome feeling, I could only imagine what I would feel when my baby will move inside).

It was tiring but awesome day, so when I came home and read my email I didn't even have any strengths to feel upset. It is also because I know: it is not the end, it's just the beginning; and there are so much choices around. Funny, it turned out that the topic of our Happy Thursday post was somehow connected with my situation :) But I choose to be an active optimist and I know what to do.

"Sitting, waiting, wishing"

2011-03-19T23:31:00.000+02:00

6 days (I hope no more) till a very important announcement. I don't need to cross my fingers, because I believe and it is enough.

32 days ("still" or "just"?) till my next so awaited trip. I can't help much about it. Tickets booked long time ago. Now I just need to wait :)

I'm back

2011-03-15T23:28:00.000+02:00

Oh yeah, finally I'm back to my gym routines after a long week break due to my sickness.

How great it is to feel your body and mind are working in sync. Moreover, I'm back to my challenge. 5 weeks to go :)

Gym addicted Lyuba is back and I love it !

Ностальгия

2011-03-14T20:05:00.001+02:00

По пути домой я думала о том, а что же мне приготовить на ужин. И надумала: салат оливье. Я его не ела около двух лет... В последний раз ела, наверное, когда была в Украине, а тут как-то не готовила.

И пусть он был приговлен на скорую руку, пусть не по всем правилам и без зеленого лука, однако оливье получился вкусняшкой :) И как-то так на душе стало одновременно и тепло, и тоскливо... Восем месяцев я не видела родных и не была дома. Все таки это долго, нельзя так...

А в четверг у нас ужин традиционной кухни разных стран. Может, приготовлю оливье, но в этот раз со всеми ингридиентами. Ну и пусть, что оливье не украинское блюдо, однако для меня оно в памяти всегда будет ассоциироваться с моей страной, детством и Новым Годом.

P.S. Кстати, этот пост посвящаю Чернецкому. Читай, Костя, и облизывайся :)

Enough to be loved

2011-03-10T14:51:00.001+02:00

Today is a Happy Thursday. And as usual we made a new post on our happy blog.

This time it's about a great power of being vulnerable, being seen by others, but at the same time about being deeply connected to someone, being loved for what you truly are.

When I first saw that TED talk by Brene Brown, something has changed inside me: it felt like I knew about it all the time, but didn't know how to explain to someone else. The speech is inspiring and empowering.

And today I feel especially vulnerable. It's a second day I am sick staying at home and talking to friends only online. I want my mom around me to take care of me. I feel weak physically, I am needy and I want to feel that someone loves me. And especially now I behave like real me (well, that me is not that bad at all; even awesome despite the fact of constant running nose and coughing :)

I'm enough for myself even sick. I'm enough for my friends and parents even sick. They love me the way who I am even spreading germs :)

Not just an ordinary day

2011-03-08T22:54:00.001+02:00

If today I was in Ukraine, I would got so much attention from all guys around and I will have 2 extra days off as today is the International Women's Day.

But I am in Finland. And no one cares much about women (drawback of equal society). So I didn't expect anything nice to happen. Besides, I got a cold :S So the chances for a nice celebration was even lower.

But again, nice things happen when you least expect (but still believe...).

I got a morning call from my dad and mom who greeted me with this beautiful day. And of course, my mom wished me to find my love and all that blah-blah things :) funny, huh?

I got a lot of wishes from my girlfriends (only few from boyfriends). I guess, in this cruel world girls should stick together :) If you won't make a celebration for yourself, no one would do.

I had a cool skype chat with my darling Anechka. Can't wait to finally get to Brussels and party with her!!! Yaaaaiii!!!

And the last but definitely not the least - I got the best news ever, I was literally crying and shivering.. One step closer, three more to go. Now around 80% of success depends on me. I just need to do it :)

I feel beautiful about today, tomorrow and always. Life is beautiful. And not only today.

Love vs freedom

2011-03-07T14:01:00.001+02:00

I'm reading this book by Nicole Krauss "Man walks into a room" and again I'm more and more convinced that her books are the best life-love stories ever. There is not much drama in them. Well, it's still there, but written in a very subtle way. But what is most important, those stories are full of intelligence. Great food for thought.

And I read one of the best dialogs about life and relations ever: it's about being in love and loved and striving to be free at the same time. Those who've been in a real relationship, whose heart was broken or who broke someone's heart, will definitely understand and agree. So here are some excerpts:

Samson: If being in love only made people more lonely, why would everyone want it so much?

Ray: Because of the illusion. You fall in love, it's intoxicating, and for a little while you feel like you've actually become one with the other person. Merged souls, and so on. You think you'll never be lonely again. Only it doesn't last and soon you realize you can only get so close, and you end up brutally disappointed, more alone than ever, because the illusion - the hope you'd held on to all those years - has been shattered.

But see, the incredible thing about people is that we forget. Time passes and somehow the hope creeps back and sooner or later someone else comes along and we think this is the one. And the whole things starts all over again. We go through our lives like that, and either we just accept the lesser relationship - it may not be total understanding, but it's pretty good - or we keep trying for that perfect union, trying and failing, leaving behind us a trail of broken hearts, our own included. In the end, we die as alone as we were born, having struggled to understand others, to make ourselves understood, but having failed in what we once imagined was possible.

Samson: People really want that, what did you say, merging souls? Total union?

Ray: Yes. Or at least they think they do. Mostly what they want, I think, is to feel known.

Samson: But don't you think that being alone is somehow... I don't know, good? That to love someone is one thing, but if it means giving up the part of you that's alone and free...

Ray: That's just it! How to be alone, to remain free, but not feel longing, not to feel imprisoned in oneself. That is what interests me.

Spring Thursday

2011-03-03T17:31:00.000+02:00

I was awaiting for this very first spring Happy Thursday once it was already 12.01 AM on my clock :)

For me it is always a very special day, that brings unexpected things, happiness, opportunities and perspectives.

And it's also a day when I buy my favorite oriental coffee latte with spices :)

So the day has started unexpectedly indeed: I ripped my jeans. Good, it was at home so I easily changed them on another. But it's not a reason to be sad, it's a great opportunity to buy a new ones, anyway it was an old pair.

Once I got out from my house, I saw an amazing little squirrel on a tree. She was sitting there and staring at me, so cute, fluffy and small, so I barely could restrain myself from jumping and trying to catch her. I sooooo much wanted to cuddle and snuggle her. Well... I love squirrels because they remind me cats. And as I wrote many times before, cats are my passion :)

Another great thing is that me and Nata delivered a new Happy Thursday blog post :) So our happy project is alive and going very well. And we also got some new ideas for the next post. It makes me feel so much love and passion about this little thing we do... I do believe that it is already useful if makes at least two of us extremely happy. But so far we have 55 fans, meaning that there are much more people out there, who support our idea :)

Besides, I started to chase one more amazing opportunity today. It looks more than just perfect and suitable for me. Fingers crossed!

There is only one thing that makes me thoughtful now and then, and not only today. But then I switch my attention on something else, because I know that it is my mind speaking, but not my soul. And I also know that no matter what, everything will happen for the best.

Хочу!

2011-03-03T00:11:00.000+02:00

Не помню, чтобы я когда-то так сильно чего-то хотела! Даже если и хотела, даже если я это уже чувствовала, то никто и ничто не мешает мне переживать это чувство опять!!!

Да! Я верю в себя, сильно-сильно, честно-честно. К тому же, в меня верят мои друзья. И вместе наша вера преодолеет все барьеры.

И через несколько месяцев у меня будет то, что я так люблю и чего добиваюсь.

Cats, dogs and happiness

2011-03-01T20:49:00.000+02:00

If I was a cat, I would celebrate the International Cat's Day today! How come I never knew about this amazing fact, otherwise I would spoil my cats on this day every year.

For the past 2 years I live without cats which is sad; there is simply no cats in these cold countries. And of course with my unsettled life I simply can't get one at home.

But I still have a cat at my parent's home. I used to live with cats since I was born. We started with one cat, then had two, then three. At some point we had four (too much I think). But now we have only one. Well.. i keep saying "we" while it's only "they" meaning my parents who are her owners. I'm just a guest who comes once a year.

Anyway, the point is that when I grow up and settle down in one place for few years at least I'll have a cat. Or a dog. Or maybe both. I'll have something alive so whenever I feel lonely I come and hold someone super cute and fluffy. Someone who loves me and waits for me all the time (at least for the fact that I give her food .. :)

February. Complete

2011-02-28T23:48:00.001+02:00

February 2011 was different, I tried to make things simple and keep focus, but "simple doesn't always mean easy".

It was quite hard sometimes, especially for the last week. I know that it is much easier to say: screw it and let it go, it can't work out... let's change a direction. But I promised to myself to FOCUS and I believe in it with all my heart. So I'm trying to see everything as a challenge on my way to a beautiful future, and this kept my happiness and excitement. If there is not enough external motivation, I'll create motivation myself even if it takes so much from me.

I felt like I had to have a perfect closure for this month to make up for all insecurities. Well, I didn't do much myself, it just happened.

The day has started in such a lovely way! It was sunny and people were smiling. And for the first time since November I felt that sunshine brings real warmths. It is the first spring day tomorrow, so I want to believe that spring will come in Helsinki too :)

And then everything went just perfect: I fulfilled all the tasks at work and my company finally is going to purchase a super cool online tool (I'm so excited about working with it!); I was working with my friend on our Happy Thursday project; I got some unexpected compliments about my new haircut (some people do notice and it feels nice :); I attended my favorite gym classes (and this lovely lady on reception apparently remembers me! :)

I got home late. And even after a day full of different activities I managed to do some cleaning and "Glee"ing :) And I talked to my dearest friend too.

Ah, there was some other thing accomplished today - I made my first step on the way to an amazing challenge. And if things go as I envision, I will have two very important and busy months ahead and then beautiful future for few years. Yes ! Actually my future is going to be beautiful anyway, but I soooo much want specifically that future... But schhhhhh for now :)

Thank you, February, it has been a pleasure living you. Welcome, March, you are going to be amazing continuation of FOCUS :)

Cut it short

2011-02-23T20:40:00.000+02:00

Today I had an idea to cut my hair shortly again, at least like it was last June.

And then I was thinking that I wish to have it red and curly :) Well... It is quite drastic, not sure I ever do it.

But I think Serena is so right with her theory that short hair makes you stronger. It makes you more masculine. And I need some strength now.

Tomorrow is a Happy Thursday, seems like a great day to make a change. Shall I just go for it?

Dance, feel, breath

2011-02-21T22:21:00.001+02:00

It should be great to listen to it live. Hope so :)

Dance, it's all i wanna do
So won't you dance?

Feel, can't you see there is so much here to feel?
Deep inside your heart you know I'm real.

Breath, I know you find it hard, but, baby, breath, you'll be next to me.

Falling like a leaf, falling like a star...

2011-02-15T21:15:00.001+02:00

... Finding a belief, falling where you are

Chocolate cake for my friends

2011-02-13T20:58:00.003+02:00

It was a nice Sunday with my favorite routines: sleeping till midday, gymming, food shopping, cleaning.

Suddenly I got sad almost without any reason. Well... I can always come up with 100 perfect reasons. But it doesn't help. So I just stopped being sad and started cooking instead :)

Tomorrow is St. Valentine's Day. Last year on this day I did a lot of amazing things for myself. This year I will have a gathering with my friends. In Finland this days is celebrated as a Friends Day. And on my opinion, it is great - you don't feel left out if you're single and don't have "the only one" to celebrate this date together.

So... I was baking this amazing chocolate cake, all the credits for recipe goes to my Norwegian super woman Mari-Anna. Thank you once again, darling, for this tasty cake. Well.. I didn't taste the cake this time (waiting for tomorrow) but the last time I made it, it was great.

Here is the original recipe as I got it from Mari-Anna, however there are my comments in parentheses.

Cake:

300 grams melted butter (you can buy melted baking butter in a grocery store)
4 eggs
0,3 liter sugar
1,5 tablespoon (tbs) vanilla sugar
4 tbs cocoa powder
0,5 liter flour
3 teaspoons (ts) baking powder
0,2 liter milk

Glaze:

125 grams butter
0,4 liter powder sugar (you can buy sugar syrup, so you don't need to melt it)
2 ts vanilla sugar
1,5 tbs cocoa powder
a little bit of coffee (1-2 ts is enough)

Mix all ingredients of the cake (you can use mixer if you want, but it's not required), fill it in a dish. Use the flat dish that fill the whole width of the oven. Bake in 170 C degrees for 20-30 minutes.

Melt the butter for the glaze in a pot and mix with the rest of the ingredients. Keep in the pot on a hot plate and stir well until it starts boiling. Once it starts boiling, remove it from the heat immediately. Make sure both the cake and the glaze has cooled down a bit before you spread the glaze on the cake, otherwise the glaze will not stay on the top, but sink down into the cake.

Decorate with coconut sprinkle or any other decoration of your choice.

At least the cake looks tasty (see the picture). My flatmate was trying to convince me that we should try it tonight, but I was not going to compromise as this cake meant to be untouched for tomorrow's Friend's Day :)

Sunshine

2011-02-12T11:10:00.004+02:00

Isn't it amazing, when on Saturday you can finally sleep as much as you want?

Isn't it great when the sun is shining outside and you can't really sleep anymore because it is so bright and going through your curtains?

Isn't it the best thing ever when you're woken up by a phone call, and you're still half asleep, and you hear the warmest voice ever?

And you realize how much you missed this person. But it is just one week between two of you.

The best "Good morning!" ever! Sun is shining inside me :)

Never ending happiness

2011-02-09T23:33:00.003+02:00

Today brought me so much happiness :) Or maybe it's just me who see the happiness around in every single thing and word?..

Lara: Kiss

Me: My little girl, how are you there?

Lara: Well, I am quite fine

Me: How did you like yoga?

Lara: So cool! I'll tell you someday... In general, miss you ... and also...

Me: ah, I missed you too!

Lara:... I was thinking about you as the most positive person during my yoga class...

Nemsi:...And the final question to you, Ljubisa... Why are you so happy?

Me: Happy now or in general?

Nemsi: In general...

Me: Well.. I don't think I have something in my life I shouldn't be happy about...

I am so lucky to have friends around me, who see this happiness in me, because this empowers me so much and gives me energy to be happier and spread happiness. It's like never ending cycle of happiness!